An Olde English Party

Old English

I looked at the empty cans of Olde English malt liquor lined up on the picnic table and thought, sweet Jesus, the neighbors are going to think we hosted the shittiest party of all time. Please don’t let any humans see this mess. If you have never heard of Olde English, count yourself lucky. A cold Olde English manages to capture the stench and taste of a five-day old beer left to its own devices in the summer sun. Yes, I tried a small sip. It was a mistake. Thankfully, my rager of a party did not involve humans drinking the foul brew. Rather the cans were the result of another springtime celebration that I would like to call Death to Slugs!.  The party was just getting started when, as I poured beer in a crusty old yogurt container, I accidentally brushed an unopened Olde English can, knocking it to ground where it promptly exploded and started spinning around a like a crazed puppy chasing its own tail. Now this is my kinda fun! I thought. I inhaled that stale scent deeply as the spray flew, cheered at the image of my slimy bloated enemies drowning in their dehydrated pee-colored bath.

I placed the slug-traps around the garden, pausing only briefly to lament the loss of slug-chewed beet and kale sprouts. But I soon grinned like a malicious leprechaun as I dug traps into place, muttering, “you’ve got it coming, you little bastards”. While awaiting the slugs’ inevitable demise, I gathered the used cans as quietly as possible, sidling through the front gate where I looked furtively back and forth, hoping no neighbors stood by to witness my shame as I put the good Olde English cans discretely in the recycling bin with only a hint of tell-tale aluminum tinkle. And god forbid anyone did see,  I tried to give off the ol’ I swear it wasn’t me who drank these vibe.  I think I made it through the gauntlet ok.  Now it’s time to wait.

Slug Death trapDay 3 Update: Slugs are drowning, but not as many as I would like. However, I have not noticed as much destruction of late, so I’m taking that as a good sign.

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8 thoughts on “An Olde English Party

  1. We don’t drink beer and I was wondering where I could get some. I thought of our local pub, but as I read this post I thought this was a good idea to maybe buy some cheap cans, but I thought you were going to put the cans in the ground! 👒

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    1. I think cheap is the way to go. No need to treat the slugs to a fancy bath. However, a lot of cheap beers have really a low alcohol content and are pretty tasteless. I chose Olde English because it is both cheap and smelly with a higher alcohol content which I thought might attract more slugs than say, Bud Light. Anyhow, that is my very unscientific assessment of the situation…

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  2. Haha! This made me laugh out loud… And that was just at the beer!
    Firstly, never trust anything called ‘olde’ (or prefixed with Ye). It’s guaranteed not be be authentic! (If you come to England don’t go to a Olde Tea Shop, go to a cafe (pronounced ‘caff’), or as we call them ‘greasy spoon’, for a real taste of Britain!)
    Secondly, ‘liquor’…. Definitely not English, olde or otherwise.
    Thirdly, English Ale (or Beer to us) DOES taste disgusting… But it’s surprising how quickly you get used to it, and even learn to love it (not there yet myself!) 😝
    Maybe you should try scrumpy on the slugs…. Now that really IS potent stuff 😳

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    1. Haha great advice! I bet the Olde Tea Shoppes are even worse.

      It’s funny, I do very much like good beer or microbrews here (real ale on your island?) of which we have access to an overwhelming amount in the Pacific Northwest. Part of the whole neighbor embarrassment thing was not the fact that they might see us with beer, but that they might see us with really terrible beer.

      Oh I’ve tried scrumpy…yikes! I bet that would do the trick 🙂

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  3. wonderful post about a REAL Problem. I have been lucky so far with slugs but this year we moved and our garden spot may not so slug free any more. Great reminder for a safe and effective way to remove them

    Liked by 1 person

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